An epic battle is raging atop a birthday cake. Luke is doing his best to fend off Darth's mighty blows but slogging through icing is proving to be a challenge to his elusive fighting style.
I am so grateful for this house teeming with sprinting, howling, sugar-crazed boys. Zack is turning eight and God's grace is surrounding his life. He is attending a private Christian school with high standards for behavior; teasing this socially awkward, painfully quiet boy, will not be tolerated. Not only was he not teased, he was embraced.
Things are looking good, his teacher adores him and she constantly seeks to understand and develop ways to encourage Zack's success. Surprising, however, that she would call in the middle of his birthday party during the scavenger hunt; and yet it is always like this, always without warning.
Here it comes. Churning, churning, its rhythmic pursuit coming for my heart. Its dragging me into its relentless grinding teeth. Huffing, huffing, can you feel it? The stinging heat from the steam. It's almost here. The whistle threatens to blow its terrifying voice. It's pulling into the station now, time to climb on board for yet another harrowing ride to places unknown, guaranteed to be dark and desolate, on a track that has no end.
"Satan is talking to me, he says he's going to kill me. He put a snake in my desk." It took her less than five seconds to repeat the words my son had spoken that would shake me to my core. Zack would rather pluck his own eyeball out than raise his hand in class, but on this occasion it just couldn't be avoided. His second grade teacher approached; he needed to talk to her in the hall. His recounting of this terrifying experience on a sunny day in May sent chills down this young enthusiastic teacher's spine.
Phone still in hand, I gaze out the sliding glass door. An explosion of excitement, the boys have found another clue. They go charging off toward the next destination.
Somehow I made it through the birthday party and allowed Zack to bask in his birthday bliss. The next day however, he was questioned. Zack would explain that the snake was very real; it was a Black Mamba and it was striking at him over and over. He recounted how he needed to use one of his pencils to fend it off. An epic battle is raging, with an enemy far more daunting than Darth Vader, and I feel as helpless as Luke Skywalker slogging through icing.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Choosing Hell
Last week I broke from my blogging routine. Why? I was angry, I didn't feel like adding to the narrative that might produce compassion for a lost boy.
In this 15 mos. journey emotions have come in like blustery weather systems; squalls, sudden and fitful, only to blow out again. This current storm front has a quality that scares me. A polar vortex has dipped low into regions that had yet gone untouched, and it threatens to stay well beyond seasonal norms.
Why is this time different? He looked at me with soulless eyes while I pleaded for his life and said in not so many words, "I choose destruction, I choose Hell." He was so rational about it. "There is no God, there is no beauty, there is no redemption in this shit-hole of a world, substance abuse is the only choice that makes sense."
In this 15 mos. journey emotions have come in like blustery weather systems; squalls, sudden and fitful, only to blow out again. This current storm front has a quality that scares me. A polar vortex has dipped low into regions that had yet gone untouched, and it threatens to stay well beyond seasonal norms.
Why is this time different? He looked at me with soulless eyes while I pleaded for his life and said in not so many words, "I choose destruction, I choose Hell." He was so rational about it. "There is no God, there is no beauty, there is no redemption in this shit-hole of a world, substance abuse is the only choice that makes sense."
We've experienced the death of our son one little piece at a time; pieces stolen by mental illness, or substance abuse, but this piece he removed with the very hands we have so desperately tried to hold through this horrific journey. Spring will come, but it will be late.
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