In this 15 mos. journey emotions have come in like blustery weather systems; squalls, sudden and fitful, only to blow out again. This current storm front has a quality that scares me. A polar vortex has dipped low into regions that had yet gone untouched, and it threatens to stay well beyond seasonal norms.
Why is this time different? He looked at me with soulless eyes while I pleaded for his life and said in not so many words, "I choose destruction, I choose Hell." He was so rational about it. "There is no God, there is no beauty, there is no redemption in this shit-hole of a world, substance abuse is the only choice that makes sense."
We've experienced the death of our son one little piece at a time; pieces stolen by mental illness, or substance abuse, but this piece he removed with the very hands we have so desperately tried to hold through this horrific journey. Spring will come, but it will be late.
Kristy, I've just finished reading all the entries in your blog....I empathize with you because I wonder if one, two or all three of my children might see me standing in your shoes and I wonder if I will have the courage and fortitude you show - and you do show these things despite the fear and sadness. Thank you for writing this blog. I will be following it from now on and will be praying for your son and for you and all your family as you walk this difficult and frightening path. God does work miracles - the ending is not written yet.
ReplyDeleteyes. good job returning to the words ... keep going.
ReplyDeletePraying as I gasp for breath. Thank you for continuing to write. We need to hear.
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