The first domino falls.

Now that I have given a brief overview of the backstory  perhaps a detailed description of how we came to the current crisis is in order.

Jan. 20^th 2013, I approached the family PC as I had a thousand times before, and yes, my son’s Facebook page was open, as it had been numerous times before.  Normally, I would ignore it and close it down, but a word leapt off the page and caught my eye; suicide.  He had left an instant message with another teenage boy open.  Any thought of privacy went out the window as I saw myself as potentially responsible for reporting any possible danger. I was admiring my son as he was trying to talk this boy through some tough feelings, even quoting scripture and encouraging him to reach out to God.  The conversation, however, quickly changed; the boys began to talk about a previous interaction involving pot. 

My feelings quickly shifted from admiration to devastation as the undeniable evidence unfolded before my eyes.  Our son who had been taught from an early age that his mind was precious, beautiful, if not a bit fragile, and that he needed to take all precautions to protect it from substance abuse, had decided to ignore all warnings and engage in the very behavior that he had been told would wreak havoc on his mind.  Strangely, I just happened to be on the phone with the one friend who could talk me through these first shocking moments.  She dropped everything to be with me, and her presence was the first of many evidences of God’s faithfulness in this journey. 

The act of crying is such a strange, vulnerable experience.  Sometimes tears sneak out corners and slide down cheeks completely against our will.  We quickly wipe them away with embarrassed swipes of our hands, looking away to avoid the continued feeling of being laid bare.  Sometimes, however, there is a wailing that is so raw, so unprocessed that any thought of how naked and exposed you are has been overridden by immensity of the grief.  This is where I found myself. 

A prince in Austria is shot.  Storm clouds gather in the Atlantic.  A tendril of smoke rises in Waldo Canyon.

It’s rare for us to recognize the first domino to fall in a line of events that will spell out tragedy, and for those watching this unfold,  the grief I exhibited may have seemed disproportionate and superfluous, however the repercussions of all that this one decision represented was painfully obvious to this mom who had watched this boy struggle for so many years.  This was the beginning of a hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.